My Three Year Old Will Now Reply To All Of Your Emails

I’ve given my three year old my laptop to reply to your incoming emails right now. My one-year old might also be chiming in. I’m having a hard time keeping them away from the keyboard. Don’t worry, I’ve invented a magical device that can also translate their thoughts and actions into words. As of Sunday, they are now responsible for my inbox. You can consider them my new personal assistant.

It’s going to be great, as I am suddenly quarantined at home with two small children and a spouse who is also working from home and we all live in a small apartment in New York City with no backyard and my desk, bicycle, and bed are all cozy in the same room. I digress. See? This is why I needed an assistant. These are the messages they’ll be delivering from here on out.

Oh, if you also need a personal assistant, I’m happy to lend them out to you. I’m sure they will do great with Zoom calls, too.

RE: AN IMPORTANT UPDATE FROM THE CEO

I think I need to sit in your lap right now.

Actually, let’s play the piano!

I’m hungry, I need to eat right now. FEED ME.

I’m not listening to you.

BUT I WANT TO WATCH TVVVVVVVV.

I don’t want to.

Ugh—/*makes disgusted face*\—spits out item.

I want the blue one! Blue! BOOO! BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Up, up, up! Up, please! UP! NOW! UP!

No, I will NOT go to sleep!

*High pitched shrieking sound, lasting twelve seconds, pausing for four seconds, continuing for twelve seconds, on repeat.* [This will be send as an audiogram.]

Naptime? Did you mean DANCE PARTY TIME?

I’m done with this. All done. ALL DONE.

Don’t touch me! DON’T TOUCH ME! STOP TOUCHING ME!

NO! I CAN DO IT ALL BY MYSELF! I DON’T NEED ANY HELP!

You’re not very good at this.

NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOO! NO! NO! I’M NOT GONNA! I REFUSE!

YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!

Here, I’ve got an idea, it has nothing to do with your idea, but I have to tell you my idea, in fact it is a GREAT idea, let’s make chocolate chip cupcakes right now. Can we make chocolate chip cupcakes? Let’s make cupcakes. WE NEVER MAKE CUPCAKES! I WANT TO MAKE CHOCOLATE CHIP CUPCAKES. I WANT CHOCOLATE! {HYSTERICAL SOBBING ENSUES}

Yes I will be very helpful with that and undo everything you just did.

gbVGANWHALEELEPHANTHIPPORINODINOSAURGIRAFFEDOLPHINEELSNAKEZOOANIMA

I would like to lick all of your dishes one by one as I put them away in the wrong order and in the wrong places.

This trash can lid can open, and close, and open, and close, and open, and close. OPEN-CLOSE-OPEN-CLOSE-OPEN-CLOSE-OPEN-CLOSE- IS THAT A RAW CHICKEN WRAPPER? HERE, LET ME TAKE THAT OUT FOR YOU.

Sponges are delicious. I will suck on them for you. This is how I drink water now. Do not take this sponge away from me. Why are you taking it away from me? You are ruining my life! I hate you! I HATE YOU! I AM DESTROYED! YOU SUCK! YOU ARE AWFUL AND THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD! Is that a strawberry?

I found a knife and I wanted to carry it into your bedroom for you. I am opening my eyes very wide because I know this is serious because you always shout “NO” when I do this. Here you go, am I being helpful now?

Wait, I just have to come in and tell you that I love you so much.

PEEKABOO! IN THE BATH!

Mom? Don’t die, okay? I don’t want you to die. Let’s never ever ever die. Let’s not die. I don’t want you to die.

I love you so much. SO much. I love you SO much. I love you more. Actually I love you the most! Did you hear me? Mom, I love you! MOM I LOVE YOU!

Peeking out from around the corner shyly:

Um, would you like a hug?