You Share 🗣 How Much Parental Leave Did You Get?
How much paid leave did you get, and how much paid leave did you want to have? Did you have any paid leave—or unpaid leave—with your state, region, or country? This is a reader thread for you to share your story. Tell us about your own experience having a baby, adding a family member, and taking parental leave. Share your story in the comments below.
PAID LEAVE IN THE UNITED STATES & AROUND THE WORLD:
- In the United States, the 1993 Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) established a very small amount of leave, but only 14% of qualified private-sector workers are actually eligible. The majority of Americans have no access to paid leave. Many patch together disability leave, sick leave, and vacation days to take a few weeks away to have a baby.
- The Internal Labor Organization’s guidelines for maternity leave are a minimum 12-week maternity leave, and at least 14 weeks is recommended. They also specify that women should be paid at least two-thirds of their earnings and receive full health insurance benefits.
SIX MONTHS HAS SIGNIFICANT HEALTH BENEFITS
- What’s remarkable about paid leave polices and the realities of maternity and paternity leave is that people get—and take—far shorter leaves than scientifically recommended. Research shows that a minimum of six months of paid leave results in the best mental and physical outcomes for mothers. “Even at six months, many new mothers are experiencing at least one symptom of physical illness such as fatigue, pain, dizziness, or incontinence,” writes Brigid Schulte for Slate in 2017.
- “Studies find that paid leaves of at least six months have significant, positive effects on maternal physical and mental health (even into old age), reductions in postpartum depression, an increase in breastfeeding, which has significant health benefits for mother and child, and a reduction in maternal stress and intimate partner violence,” Schulte explains in How Much Paid Leave Is Enough?Â
- Leaves shorter than 12 weeks are associated with higher depression, anxiety, negative self-esteem, work stress, and marital dissatisfaction.
WEIGH IN BELOW — SHARE YOUR STORY
- How much leave did you plan on taking? How much leave was possible for you? Was any of it paid?
- What was taking leave actually like, in reality? Was it what you expected?
- After going through it, looking back, would you have done anything differently?
- Do you have any advice or recommendations for people who are preparing for leave? What would you say to them about preparing for a new baby?
This is such an important topic, and I’m happy to share my experience.
How much leave did you plan on taking? How much leave was possible for you? Was any of it paid?
What was taking leave actually like, in reality? Was it what you expected?
After going through it, looking back, would you have done anything differently?
Do you have any advice or recommendations for people who are preparing for leave? What would you say to them about preparing for a new baby?
This is so helpful, Jessica! I am nodding along to so much of what you’ve shared. My experience was similar. I hope soon-to-be parents can do as much of this as possible (given the ways that our culture and work are set up right now, I know how hard it is to get even the basics).
Basically if you’re a new mom or dad reading this, you’re not alone, and five months is a very reasonable amount of time to heal and recover and go back to work—it’s the US culture that’s off-kilter, not you!
I am just going to the advice stage with a co-worker this year!
How much leave did you plan on taking? How much leave was possible for you? Was any of it paid?
First baby, I was not eligible for FMLA (had only worked 10 months at the job before baby arrived), I was not eligible for away without leave (contract worker = this means I quit), and I had no access to banked leave (see contract worker). But I worked (still do) for a large state university….with “good benefits” so this was a shock to find out. I took every sick/vacation day I had = 5 weeks full time, 2 week half time. paid. Got short-term disability for a month, I think? Baby came to work with me after the 2 half time weeks for 5 more weeks before we had a daycare spot.
What was taking leave actually like, in reality? Was it what you expected?
Exhausting. I had bronchitis when I went in for a non-planned C-section. The recovery was rough. baby was needy. My in laws visited, my mom was there for the birth, we didn’t really have very many folks who could come bring food and hold the kid while I showered. No fault, just didn’t have those relationships. didn’t have anyone to ask. It was isolating cuz baby couldn’t formula feed and had terrible reflux – medicated for it at 7 weeks = new baby – I was nursing all the time in a room by myself or baby was so distracted they didn’t eat. I’m not sure what I expected, I read a lot so I wasn’t surprised that is was hard, but I didn’t feel like any of the folks I saw socially were available/appropriate/able to help. We lived far from all family. No one else we knew in town was going through this life phase. I called LLL WAY more than I thought I would partly because those folks understood new babies and partly because breast was all that my baby could eat IF I had absolutely no dairy (not eve casin which is added to everything) or soy. Feeding was all consuming – timing, content, constant monitoring. That I didn’t expect.
After going through it, looking back, would you have done anything differently?
There was not much to do differently. The biggest stressors I had no control over (leave availability, support system – can’t build it in a few months out of folks I hardly know everyone we hung out with were 15 years younger or 15 years older with junior/high school kids, constant focus on feeding/being the only available source of food – yes we tried formula so my partner could help, no dice, etc.)
Do you have any advice or recommendations for people who are preparing for leave? What would you say to them about preparing for a new baby?
Get short-term disability and make sure you get it early enough to be useful – check those terms! Not having the $$ woes on top of new baby was probably a life saver. Find La Leche League even if you’re not sure about breastfeeding those folks know babies, feeding, dealing with and it’s a built in mommy group. Find a buddy/partner to do all the googling for you. Call LLL, even at 3am. NEVER google at 3am. You see the baby every day – all day. Trust yourself, have a partner verify, ask the medical professionals. Don’t schedule to work unless you have to. The brain is not online, sleep deprivation is real and really impacts your function for 3 months or so. Take every bit of leave you have access to and use it without checking in to work if you can. You can not multi-task with an infant – well I couldn’t. I had my infant at work full time from 7-12 weeks and it was at best 1/2 time work over a full business day. The half time day when the baby was at my partner’s office were not much more productive…but it is what I had to do and my office dealt with crying, closed doors, and the rest. Only one person in the office was TDAP up-to-date so at that young age I had one person to hold the baby when I had to potty because the baby hadn’t gotten all her vaccines for DPT yet.
Preparation wise, you need a car seat. The rest you can wing. Our best investment was a sidecar bed/taking one long side off the crib and zip-tying it to our bed frame…co-sleeping safely with baby in their space. Side lying nursing was also essential to me I do not function well or parent well on no sleep. being able to bring baby over from the sidecar nurse and put them back and go back to sleep without lights, moving, sitting up, etc. was SO helpful. Signing up for the Wonder Weeks app helped too. Then when baby is extra extra fussy – you have some biological reason for it – helps with the sleep deprived rage that happens occasionally. “Oh this baby is maybe teething, learning to see more than 12 inches, that would be distressing to me too.” Prepare your support folk(s) so they can hear what you need. Even if you’re the only source of food/solace to a fussy baby, you can take an hour to shower/nap while a partner gets the baby. If you need to, use ear plugs to short-circuit the hormones that won’t let you step out. Prepare for how very different this same kid will be every month for 2 years then every 6 months for 2 more years. You may feel you have it under control just in time for the next change. 😀 That’s normal. It’s all normal.